To make a long story short, in the past month I have become ill with some disease that I can't shake, I have no health insurance to help find a cure, my boyfriend and I broke up, I'm getting kicked out of my house, my car is breaking down, and I have no money to find a new one.
However, I am not here to complain. Through it all I have found myself happier than I ever was before. In what feels like losing control over everything, I'm really just reminded that control was never mine-- And that puts my mind at ease. Honestly when I quit fighting for something that was never really mine, I sleep much easier. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, where I an going to live, or what I am gonna drive, but I'm finally starting to realized stressing out about it isn't going to make it much better.
Too many mornings in my life I have woken up, wondering, "How the hell did I get here?", but lately my first response is to just laugh, and 'roll with the punches'. It's almost a game to me now. Come on World, what else can you throw at me!?
I've got it all under control. Well, I don't but someone does.
With that said, I am very excited for all the new windows that are opening for every door that's being closed. June should prove to be a very exciting month as long as I can keep my head above water.
I've been at my new job for a few months now and for the most part, I am really loving it. There are the less than likable parts, but I guess that' why I am paid. The most exciting part about this job, is that it feels like the first step in the right direction. For anybody reading this that doesn't know, I work in a care home for children who have autism. Working with these kids for the past few months has taught me so much about patience, about people, and about myself. All four of the kids I am working with are non-verbal and have pretty low forms of communication. They need assistance in most daily tasks, and need help trying to overcome certain behaviors. The goal with these kids goes far beyond helping them 'get by' and is rather to enrich their lives, help them develop to the fullest of their capabilities, to make them feel empowered, and to let them feel like a 'normal' member of their community.
I feel like I got kind of distracted there, but the point that I am getting at is that I am genuinely inspired by my work every day. Everyday I get to see children, young people, developing, breaking boundaries people told them they could never break, and taking steps that they never dreamed of taking. Everyday I go to work and I am sure this is something I want to be a part of for the rest of my life.
On that note, I am starting school again this June and couldn't be more excited. I watched pictures surface on facebook this month of all my peers graduating from college and after my initial bummed-ness that I wasn't there walking with them, I used their success as inspiration, and now I'm registered for summer quarter. Just like every time I go back to school, I am super pumped, and sure this is the right track, and swear that this is the time that I will do it for good. So all those other times didn't work out, but I swear this time its different. I'm so passionate about what I am doing right now, the reward I get everyday at work will keep me inspired. I am so sure about it in fact, that I am even paying for classes myself this time! Well, okay my parents are putting down the first payment on my payment plan (Thanks mom and dad!), but after that it's all me.
Because I am working on being a grown up, today I turned in my first rental application. I mean, I have rented previously, but I don't know I feel like this is the most legitimate situation I've tried to put myself in. I am having a lot of anxiety around the whole situation. I have concerns about not being approved, about finding the money to make the deposit, about leaving my current super awesome roommate, and about finding a place where I can STAY. As fun as new adventures are, I am getting so tired of boxes.
As much as my first response is anxiety, I am breaking myself, and rebuilding my mental muscles to be carefree.
It will all sort itself out.
I've been at my new job for a few months now and for the most part, I am really loving it. There are the less than likable parts, but I guess that' why I am paid. The most exciting part about this job, is that it feels like the first step in the right direction. For anybody reading this that doesn't know, I work in a care home for children who have autism. Working with these kids for the past few months has taught me so much about patience, about people, and about myself. All four of the kids I am working with are non-verbal and have pretty low forms of communication. They need assistance in most daily tasks, and need help trying to overcome certain behaviors. The goal with these kids goes far beyond helping them 'get by' and is rather to enrich their lives, help them develop to the fullest of their capabilities, to make them feel empowered, and to let them feel like a 'normal' member of their community.
I feel like I got kind of distracted there, but the point that I am getting at is that I am genuinely inspired by my work every day. Everyday I get to see children, young people, developing, breaking boundaries people told them they could never break, and taking steps that they never dreamed of taking. Everyday I go to work and I am sure this is something I want to be a part of for the rest of my life.
On that note, I am starting school again this June and couldn't be more excited. I watched pictures surface on facebook this month of all my peers graduating from college and after my initial bummed-ness that I wasn't there walking with them, I used their success as inspiration, and now I'm registered for summer quarter. Just like every time I go back to school, I am super pumped, and sure this is the right track, and swear that this is the time that I will do it for good. So all those other times didn't work out, but I swear this time its different. I'm so passionate about what I am doing right now, the reward I get everyday at work will keep me inspired. I am so sure about it in fact, that I am even paying for classes myself this time! Well, okay my parents are putting down the first payment on my payment plan (Thanks mom and dad!), but after that it's all me.
Because I am working on being a grown up, today I turned in my first rental application. I mean, I have rented previously, but I don't know I feel like this is the most legitimate situation I've tried to put myself in. I am having a lot of anxiety around the whole situation. I have concerns about not being approved, about finding the money to make the deposit, about leaving my current super awesome roommate, and about finding a place where I can STAY. As fun as new adventures are, I am getting so tired of boxes.
As much as my first response is anxiety, I am breaking myself, and rebuilding my mental muscles to be carefree.
It will all sort itself out.
P.S. Bean and I are great, and I can't imagine life without him.
Wow. Just Wow.
ReplyDeleteI already told you how brave I think you are, and it's still true. Even more, actually. These things that you're doing are insane and crazy, and they remind me of all of my awesome ridiculously old friends. You know the ones, with the small houses and the big gardens, the "smile lines" and the welcoming arms? Sometimes they tell me stories of where they've been and I find myself imagining how they became who they are now. And I think you're one of those people. Someday when we're forty my daughter will come visit you. You'll smile and teach her the things you've learned and I'll smile and think about how you became the person you are now, or will be.
The future is unclear, but as Eef Barzalay singe, "I love the unknown".
Here is a song that your post inspired me to think of.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mv_EPZUhHGM
Next time you come back home to visit, tell me. We need to get together again. It's always been too long.
ReplyDeletep.s. love your new hair. A lot. I've never been tempted with blonde until now. It's so summer!