Thunder.

Have I mentioned how I'm having a hard time letting go of this summer?
I'm having a hard time letting go of this summer.
Summers not even over, and I'm still having a hard time saying goodbye.
I've never been one to miss a summer.

I absolutely love Autumn, and for all the cliche reasons. I won't even try to be original.  I love the colors, I love the smells, and I love pumpkin spice lattes. More than anything I love that my daily yoga pants are now more acceptable and how perfectly they fit into every single pair of my boots.  I love carving pumpkins, corn mazes, and spiced apple cider. I love sharing these things with the people that I am close too.
Here I am facing a season I historically hold much excitement for, and now I'm waiting with bated breath. How is this fall going to change me?

As fun as this summer has been, it's a real one.
It's been so real; it feels surreal.
This season changed me.
I'm more me than I've ever been brave enough to be.

Let's flashback a few years ago.
i'm 18 years old, and dating the boy that I am sure I'm going to marry. We have a plan. We've talked about it. We've prayed about it. We're sure. We even have a 'promise ring'. I think that 19 year old me, would hate 22 year old me, as much as 22 year old me hates 18  year old me. Thing between me and this boy were on the fast track to serious, and then I received some sound advice from a very wise man... Hey Dad.
Dad's are always smarter than we give them credit for, and I think at this point my Dad saw exactly where things were headed.  He sat me down and begged me-- not to get married young.
Granted, these words were shared with me years ago, so I can't claim for these words to be verbatim, but the ideas still remain the same.
'Ann, I know that you think you are in love, and you could be.  You guys might work well together now, but let me tell you, this won't always be the case.  You think you know who you are, and deep down you probably do, but let me tell you, I've been there, and you aren't even close to becoming the person you will become.  These next 5 years of your life-- these are the years you will find out who you are. If you get married to someone tomorrow, you might be compatible for now, but as you grow in the next 5 years, it's highly possible, and even more likely, that you might grow into two very incompatible people. Neither of you will have done anything wrong. You just grew up.'

This summer more than ever I am thankful for my Dad's advice.
In these 2 years that I've been living in Seattle I've grown more than the first 20. And in this past Summer I feel like I've grown more than in those two years combined.

I guess my biggest concern is that this summer almost hasn't felt real.
I'm so pleased with who I've grown to be, but I'm worried about how 'Summer Annie' will fit into real life.

There's not much of a an organized thought to this post.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am estatic for puddles and rain. For boots and blankets. For doggie sweaters, and human scarves. I'm dreaming about brightly colored leaves, and fragrant fall air.

But, I think I might have mentioned, I'm worried about saying goodbye, to this miserably hot summer.
This sweaty, sticky, perfect summer.
The summer that helped show me, who I am. who I want to be.

Wednesday. A few wednesdays ago.

This last week has been so full of good.
Sometimes when I'm having a rough week, I feel like God sends me these days to remind me to hang in there, and that greater things are yet to come. Lately, my life is only good days, so when a particularly good one comes along, I can hardly hold it in. My heart is so full to the brim with warm fuzzies, and its one more drop before I pour over with joy.
If life were a video game, I've be on a winning streak, and on Wednesday-- I beat my high score.

The Red Room

It's not frequently enough that I write on here, and when I do, I have to reread the last post to see where I left off. Reading my most recent entry, dated on the last day of May, my mind trips. 'Whoa, blast from the past!' It's hard to imagine that entry was made was less than two months ago. I guess life hit me hard these last 2 months, and in all the best ways.

Summer quarter is almost done, and I couldn't be dreading fall quarter more. The problem with being a grown up is that there are no more summer 'vacations', and the months between May and September are just sweatier, stickier versions of real life. Regardless of how much, (or little) life changes between summer and fall, each changing of seasons will inevitable evoke some amount of catharsis in all of us.  This seasons hardly halfway through, and I am already having a hard time letting go of it.
I'll be the first person to complain about the heat.  I have no shame. Summer in Seattle is not my favorite. I feel like there are far too many haters, of my hate for the heat. But honestly people, if I wanted to be hot, I wouldn't live here. You need a break from the rain? You're in the wrong city. I hate the summer, but I love this one.

This Sunday marks one month in my new little home, and I'm telling you, this ones for keeps.  I am living here with David, Joe, and Carlos. Joe is an old friend, David is a new friend, and Carlos is David's little brother who he is in the process of adopting.  Something about three 22 year olds, living with a 14 year old makes me like to imagine we are a sitcom.  In my head our show is called 'Raising Carlos'. Out loud David shoots me down and says Joe and I aren't fit to raise a child.  David's probably right, and I'm not really worried about it.  We have a killer back yard, with a fence for Bean, and a stump for me.  I like to lean against it and drink beers. Sit on top of it and watch the boys play soccer. Or stand on top of it and talk to our neighbors.  A lot has made me happy this summer, but little compares to how happy I am to watch my baby bean bag play in his yard. I could almost squeal, I actually probably have, over how cute he is when he rolls his teeny tiny dog body across all the grasses.  I hope that he's happy, and I am almost sure that he is.  I sleep upstairs in what we call The Red Room, and I like that it has a name.  It's a tiny little attic room, with a giant closet, low ceilings, and the perfect amount of room for Beansly and I. We are very happy about it, although if we're being very honest we've surely spent less time home than we have away. We've spent most of our away time with Bruce and Opal, and we're very happy about them too.

I'll try very hard to spare you a cheese-fest of sappy new relationship cupid poop, as long as you know, it's not easy.  Bruce is my super cute boyfriend, but he wouldn't like to be called that. For his sake we will call him sexy and manly. And don't worry we aren't lying-- he's those things too. Opal is his cutie Catahoula pup. Her and Bean love each other and it's disgusting, more disgusting than Bruce and I could ever dream to be together. 2 days ago marked one month of our baby relationship. And damn, has it been a good month.  We mostly like the same things, like dogs, beautiful things, and Taylor Swift. We are both babies about the heat, and when it's too hot to move we just lay in bed and listen to music.  Those times are my favorite.  Pouring over old albums from our pasts and exchanging our memories. He'll play my favorite song for me and hearing it there, together, is like hearing it for the first time. Later when it's cool enough to move, we might buy a bottle of wine, and drive somewhere pretty.  These times are my favorite too.
Sometimes he will tell me that I am beautiful, and I think he actually means it, and I think I like that.


For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm surrounded by only the best people.  I'm taking care of myself, and I've filtered out the bad.  It's been the best summer I've had since I've moved here, and potentially one of the best ever.

The pups and I are pooped, so it's here that we say
Happy Friday :)

Cheers

This entry brought to you by The Red Room and a bed full of dogs. 

Moving Forward

It's been a little over a month since I wrote about moving in, and now here I am to write about moving out.  I think that's becoming a common theme for me. I'm always moving. It can be exhausting, but as long as I still feel like I am moving forward-- I am embracing it.

To make a long story short, in the past month I have become ill with some disease that I can't shake, I have no health insurance to help find a cure, my boyfriend and I broke up, I'm getting kicked out of my house, my car is breaking down, and I have no money to find a new one.

However, I am not here to complain. Through it all I have found myself happier than I ever was before.   In what feels like losing control over everything, I'm really just reminded that control was never mine-- And that puts my mind at ease. Honestly when I quit fighting for something that was never really mine, I sleep much easier.  I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, where I an going to live, or what I  am gonna drive, but I'm finally starting to realized stressing out about it isn't going to make it much better.

Too many mornings in my life I have woken up, wondering, "How the hell did I get here?", but lately my first response is to just laugh, and 'roll with the punches'. It's almost a game to me now. Come on World, what else can you throw at me!?

I've got it all under control. Well, I don't but someone does. 

With that said, I am very excited for all the new windows that are opening for every door that's being closed. June should prove to be a very exciting month as long as I can keep my head above water.

I've been at my new job for a few months now and for the most part, I am really loving it. There are the less than likable parts, but I guess that' why I am paid.  The most exciting part about this job, is that it feels like the first step in the right direction.  For anybody reading this that doesn't know, I work in a care home for children who have autism.  Working with these kids for the past few months has taught me so much about patience, about people, and about myself.  All four of the kids I am working with are non-verbal and have pretty low forms of communication.  They need assistance in most daily tasks, and  need help trying to overcome certain behaviors.  The goal with these kids goes far beyond helping them 'get by' and is rather to enrich their lives, help them develop to the fullest of their capabilities, to make them feel empowered, and to let them feel like a 'normal' member of their community.
I feel like I got kind of distracted there, but the point that I am getting at is that I am genuinely inspired by my work every day.  Everyday I get to see children, young people, developing, breaking boundaries people told them they could never break, and taking steps that they never dreamed of taking. Everyday I go to work and I am sure this is something I want to be a part of for the rest of my life.

On that note, I am starting school again this June and couldn't be more excited. I watched pictures surface on facebook this month of all my peers graduating from college and after my initial bummed-ness that I wasn't there walking with them, I used their success as inspiration, and now I'm registered for summer quarter.  Just like every time I go back to school, I am super pumped, and sure this is the right track, and swear that this is the time that I will do it for good. So all those other times didn't work out, but I swear this time its different. I'm so passionate about what I am doing right now, the reward I get everyday at work will keep me inspired. I am so sure about it in fact, that I am even paying for classes myself this time! Well, okay my parents are putting down the first payment on my payment plan (Thanks mom and dad!), but after that it's all me.

Because I am working on being a grown up, today I turned in my first rental application. I mean, I have rented previously, but I don't know I feel like this is the most legitimate situation I've tried to put myself in.  I am having a lot of anxiety around the whole situation. I have concerns about not being approved, about finding the money to make the deposit, about leaving my current super awesome roommate, and about finding a place where I can STAY. As fun as new adventures are, I am getting so tired of boxes.

As much as my first response is anxiety, I am breaking myself, and rebuilding my mental muscles to be carefree.

It will all sort itself out.

P.S. Bean and I are great, and I can't imagine life without him.

Puppy Love

          It has been one busy week, working, moving, and adopting a precious little Bean! Really, his name is Bean. He is the sweetest, calmest, snuggliest little Chiweenie I could have ever asked for. You might even say it was love at first sight.  He loves snuggles, and blankies, and Beggin' Strips. Here are some of my favorite pictures I took of him this week. ..Try not to drool too much.

My precious little giraffe. 

Feeling nervous about his Dr. Appt. 

Meeting his new friend, Daisy. 

Tuckered out after a long day of fun.

First doggie date. 

Only My Mom Reads My Blog

I found that tiny crochet hook that I was looking for.
Unfortunately it wasn’t found until after I had already bought, and lost, a new one.
I found it while I was packing last night.

Oh yeah, I am packing!
Looks like I am moving again.  Jordan says I can’t stay in one place ever since I tattooed that dandelion blowing in the wind on my body.  Maybe he’s right.

January 29th, 2013

It’s all of the same stuff, in a different room. I could swear that I only closed my eyes for a second and the walls changed around me.  Will this be the place that feels like home? I spent my whole life in one place, and in the past 2 years I’ve moved enough that I could efficiently load my life into a toyota corolla and be somewhere different by morning.  With each move that I make I lose a little bit of that glimmer of excitement that a new adventure brings.  Each move feels like I’m leaving a part of me behind, and I can’t help but wonder how much of me I’ll have left once I’ve settled.

Ironically the more time that I spend here, the more alone I start to feel.  I think I am driving people away by being too real.  There’s something wrong with me.  People here don’t get how I am--who I am. 

I wrote that on my first night I spent in my room, and I’ll write the rest of this on my last.

I have to say this move is filled with glimmer, filled with excitement, and free of fear.  I have such high hopes for this move. The move is going to be one symbolic breath of fresh air, a sigh of relief, a clean slate. This move is going to be good for me, in a big way--trust me.

Tomorrow is painting day, and Sunday is move in day.
Maybe I will post progress pictures.

p.s. love you mom.

New Beginnings

Oh hi, procrastination.
Fancy to be meeting you here.

Today is the first day that I didn't work ALL day in a week, and for three hours, I watched the clock, waiting for five, waiting for that nap that I have been dreaming about all week. Of course as soon as I come home my sleepiness is no where to be found and I am suddenly restless realizing how messy I have let my room get since I got back from my vacation in Oregon.

So here I am 5 minutes into cleaning my room when I decide I really need to attack that cluttered collection of craft supplies taking up a large corner of my room. Which lead to a discovery of a billion unfinished craft projects, which lead to me making a list of supplies I needed to finish them, which lead to me looking to see if I could get the supplies cheaper on Amazon, which lead to me actually just going on pintrest and finding NEW projects, which lead to a NEW list of supplies that I needed.

At this point I got overwhelmed by the number of windows I have open, and the number of applications I am running. As I am going to close out of itunes, I see the Regina Spektor album I just downloaded, and start playing it, forgetting that I am actually already listening to City and Colour through my iPod dock.

And then it hit me:
FOCUS.

I'm finding that it's so hard for me to find free time any more, that when I find it, I have no idea what to do with it! There are so many things that I want to do, I am overwhelmed, and end up doing none of them.  Ugh!
That is A.D.D. for you, perfectly paired with my Anxiety, to make me one unproductive little Annie.
But I guess sometimes doing nothing is just what I need.

This first entry is entitles New Beginnings. I have some exciting changes happening in my life right now, so I have decided to forgo my old blog, and document them here.
But like everything else in my life this very second, I am totally lacking the focus to tell you about those changes just now.

I guess I'll just add it to my 'to do'

Now I am going to tear my room apart in search for my teeny crochet hook.

Cheers.